i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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