Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
and you said cock pushups were impossible
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
