In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
