Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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