wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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