I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
