So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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