yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
