my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
