It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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