I want to have your abortion
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
