Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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