help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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