I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
