But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize
