im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
