I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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