Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Randomize
