Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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