You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
last night I used snow as a chaser
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
