I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just forgot I was standing up.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
