census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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