my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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