I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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