Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
