He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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