Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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