I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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