His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Two words: nipple clamps
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