She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
