Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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