Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
