I CAN MOONWALK!
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
