There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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