just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Randomize
