i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
