Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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