the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
