now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
