I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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