He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
