this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
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Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
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She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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