and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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