Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
