The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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