Cold hands, warm shart.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
