fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
