i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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