oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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