You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
