she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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