We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
