I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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