her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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