I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
