I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
