my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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