It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
