I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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