the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
