I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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